Shhhhh. Hush, y’all. What is that plaintive little wail? I think it’s coming from storage locker #88,663. Could it be the cases of CBD lube quivering in fear, knowing what grim fate awaits them when Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott rush in breathlessly to grab a few more jars and set about installing fetus #6 into her vacant womb cave for real this time? There it is again. This must be what it sounds like when doves cry.

On April 1st, Tori posted an ill-conceived Instagram stunt, in which she’d claimed her beleaguered uterus was blessedly hosting a new hatchling. This had some people’s knickers in a knot over what appeared to be a lack of sensitivity for the plight of those who have miscarried or cannot conceive. Well, unlike her default position for Dean’s mighty, seed-shooting peen, Tori isn’t taking these accusations lying down and claims her pregnancy announcement was a way to turn the tables on the press.

After Tori’s joke flopped, she went on a damage-control tour, which included this note to her followers:

It’s a fairly safe bet that Jennifer Aniston is the reigning queen of being the object of intrusive speculation as far as the occupancy status of her baby-making bits, and anyone who has stood in a supermarket line faced with a barrage of tabloid covers over the past two decades can attest to this. So we can all at least agree on the part that the press is relentless about planting rumors on this subject.

Unfortunately, Tori failed to consider the potential fallout from the public when her announcement turned out to be a joke. I’m pretty sure this is how the collections department at American Express feels when teased with yet another empty promise on which she has no intention of following through. via Page Six:

“They constantly create wild and often hurtful stories about me, my body, and my family,” she went on. “For those of you that are hurt, I hear you. I love you. I welcome your stories and I will try my best to be there to support you.”

While many people commented in support, others were not as sympathetic, with one person suggesting she could’ve “punished” the press a different way.

Her husband, Dean McDermott, shot back, “And how would you suggest she do that, since you seem to be an expert in Public Relations??”

Dean’s question is a good one and might be the only actual work he’s done in years, so let’s give him that. What could Tori have done instead of this, in order to more effectively punish the press? If we lurk outside of The Bank of Candy Spelling‘s gift-wrapping room for a few minutes and can be as quiet as we were at the beginning of this post, we might hear the wise words that have rage-sputtered from her lips for well over a decade now:  “Can someone please just spay and neuter these freaking animals in heat already? I’m not made of money!


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