Miss Cleo, WHO?!

The Asparamancer has arrived to give her predictions for the future. And what’s an “asparamancer” you ask? Someone who reads the future via asparagus, DUH. I guess I’m an asparamancer too because whenever I eat asparagus, I successfully predict that my piss stank will eat off the paint in the bathroom. 

The Takeout says that Jemima Packington from the city of Bath in Somerset, England is the only asparamancer in the world. An asparamancer is not to be confused with an assparamancer, which is just someone who predicts the future while eating ass. Jemima “casts” spears of asparagus into the air and uses the patterns they land in to predict the future. Tarot Cards? Canceled. Tea leaves? Stupid. Palm reading? Over. It’s time to look into the future using asparagus.

Since it’s National Asparagus Month, ITV’s This Morning brought on Jemima to give them some asparagus readings. Here are her predictions for the month of May:

“The May prediction shows a letter V and a letter E which shows we will have a double celebration during the upcoming bank holiday. The little budlets that you see on the background indicate refreshments of the alcoholic variety–so we are all going to have a jolly good time. Also, the spears coming forward indicate there is really great, good news on the way for us all this month.”

“Jolly good time”? It’s coronavirus time! Who cares if the UK gets a day off. They’re still on lockdown!

Jemima also told the ITV hosts that they will get an interview with Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. Now, Jemima has a record of–what she calls–a 75-90% success rate. That is a wide margin, lady. She successfully predicted Brexit and England’s victory in the Cricket World Cup. But she wrongly predicted that Meghan Markle would have twins.

More of her predictions are that Brexit will go smoothly, there will be another royal baby, and that a member of the royal family will die. As for some American predictions, she says that Donald Trump will be re-elected but will get impeached a second time, and it will lead to him being removed from office and convicted of a crime.

She also predicted that the Vale of Evesham asparagus will become the “world’s most prized vegetable.” Oh please, that’s a bunch of asparagus piss-scented stupidity, because let’s be real. You can’t even use asparagus as a dildo so it’s already lost the title of “world’s most prized vegetable” to the cucumber.

Pic: YouTube

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